So this whole UCI thing is a curious accident that I enjoy and fully
appreciate.
This has been an amazing roller coaster ride I truly wish to stay on. And you should join me. It is way better than the Tour de France with a lot less traffic and a lot more access to cycling legends.
For me this started in Tabor, Czech Republic, where I announced the
cyclo-cross worlds in 2010. I arrived in the frigid but fantastic town thrilled
but intimidated by the formality of the UCI. Let’s face it, announcing in the states
is a back woods affair where the announcer sort of wings it.
This would be a formal event with exact protocol. So they
had me attend a rehearsal for the awards ceremony. This came with a chart and a
diagram that had all sorts of dotted lines and arrows and exact
instructions.
I responded much like I had when I first sat in high school
chemistry with Mr. Terlinksy and stared at a diagram about logarithms. I glazed over.
There I stood in the cold Soviet athletic facility next to
my colleague, Heinrich, a smoking, bearded, heavier version of the Dos Equis world’s most
interesting man, looking at this chart. The delightful UCI woman spoke mostly French.
Heinrich spoke Czech. I spoke English. And just to help us all out, they assigned
us another delightful woman who spoke Czech and German….
Huh?
I figured it out as I have now on six occasions. Be nice,
smile, show up on time, and then use the one American universal mechanism to
make people like you: slapstick.
I stumble, I trip, I pretend to have my eye poked out…all
with great effect. I have done so in German, Danish, Czech, Flemish, French and
Dutch. It works with security, police, children, racers, officials and timing
crew. Just about everybody likes it....except old ladies; but they’ve been on to me for years,
regardless of culture. I almost married such a woman who was 30 going on 69.
So I sauntered into this year’s awards ceremony rehearsal with a
little swagger. And I brought along 9-year-old Ryjder Hessenfeld along with his
dad, Ted. We hung around a bit and then we met the Dutch announcer, a legendary man,
Cees Maas…or Kees Maas, depending on the translation. I will write about him
later on, but let us just say, I am out of my league with him.
But all we have to do is the awards rehearsal. It is all
about the podium girls, the sound guys, and presenters, and not about the
experienced professional announcers, right?
We knocked out the individual awards rehearsal without
problem.
Then we had to think. For the first time in recent memory we would be hosting
a team time trial awards ceremony with six riders racing for trade teams. Think
about it….
The presenter needs six bronze medals…..
Then the next presenter needs six bouquets of flowers….
On to silver….
Then to gold…
Do we hand out six rainbow jerseys? A trophy? Belt buckles?
Oh yeah, it is trade teams…with riders from several
different countries. So what national anthem do we play? We decide to play the anthem
from the country where the team is registered…which is curious should Radio
Shack win, given this team from Luxembourg does not have one rider on its team
from Luxembourg riding.
I do not in any way mean to ridicule this process. This is why we hold rehearsals for such seemingly trivial affairs. If we
sweat the details now, you folks on Sunday will inhale in awe at our pomp and
ceremony.
So figure that all out. On to race day.....
We pound through the ceremony for
team time trial without incident, fortunate that Radio Shack did not win.
Mind you I am stumbling a bit through some of the protocol
changes from prior years. And there is always some confusion with the flag guys
(think about it, we need flags for more than 70 countries and what would happen
if Morocco swept the podium?), and the sound guy who needs to have access to
the national anthems of 76 nations including Andorra (…..who has the national
anthem of Andorra?) and the podium girls and the medal guy and the flower
guy. Am I getting to you?
And it is all on global television. Mind you the sound guy
is frantic when the Russian wins….Because in scrolling down the CD of national
anthems, given to him by the French woman, he cannot find “Russia.”
This is a holy shit moment…..
We are back stage reading, and
re-reading this CD label and I am thinking about how China and Japan are about
to go to war over an island I did not know existed two weeks ago…Or that four
fine Americans were killed in Libya over a movie no American I know has ever
seen. Then I thought about the Czech uprising in 1968 which was sparked by
what? A hockey game in which the Czechs beat the Russians.
If we could not find the Russian national anthem, I
envisioned all the progress of the last 20 years dissolving….. and tanks rolling back into Eastern Europe.
….Then I found it…..”Federation of Russia” is under “F” not “R.”
Crisis avoided, no?
Sort of.
During the ceremony, and you may see this on TV to the left
of your screen, a television camera operator follows the presenter on stage
with the camera hand held for the bronze medal. The UCI staff, some of the nicest guys I know,
intervene. And they hold the cable to ensure the camera will not go back out
center stage.
“You don’t go out
there.”
“Let go of my equipment”
“You don’t go out there.”
“Let go of my equipment.”
Enter security.
Voices were raised.
Announcers tried to conduct awards ceremony.
Fists were clenched.
Day glow vests shoved.
Orange jackets converged.
Cameras turned away from ceremony to controversy.
Athletes looked confused.
Announcers tried to conduct awards ceremony.
……We endured a serious moment of détente.
And then….
"Ladies and Gentlemen," I said. "May we have your attention for the playing of the national anthem The Federation of Russia"
Thanks for reading.